


Stay With Me / Slow Down

by kndrmbs



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Determined Alec Lightwood, Drunk Magnus Bane, Insecure Magnus Bane, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e16 Stay With Me, Proposal?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-04 07:31:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18339029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kndrmbs/pseuds/kndrmbs
Summary: Alec had everything prepared: the ring, the speech, a reservation for a fancy restaurant and flowers. He was so sure. To him, this seemed like the best way to assure his love and bind them together.But is it?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was just thinking of Magnus being depressed. And Alec getting slowly depressed as well but not being able to show it. Because I like torturing myself.

Alec had everything prepared: the ring, the speech, a reservation for a fancy restaurant and flowers. He was so sure. The recent incidents made him realize he absolutely couldn't live without Magnus. He needed Magnus to stay with him for eternity.At the same time, he wanted to convince Magnus that he'd love him no matter what. The broken look on Magnus’ face scared Alec, like he might just fly away one day and leave Alec in an empty bed.

To him, this seemed like the best way to assure his love and bind them together.

 “Magnus, I'm home.”

And they had their own place now. Things were definitely moving on and going well. The thought of Magnus waiting for him sent warmth to his whole body.

It was dark when he came in. Only a faint glimpse of the lamplight from the living room implied Magnus' presence.

 “Magnus?”

His boyfriend was sat on the sofa, wearing only a silk robe and pajama trousers; his face bare and hair unstyled. Alec frowned a little in confusion. His gaze fell upon the shot glass in his hand and the half-empty bottle of brandy on the table.

 “Hello, my angel. I didn’t know you would be home so early.”

There was something off about this. It wasn’t the fact Magnus was drunk that sent chills down Alec’s spine; it was the empty smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes. The brown eyes stripped of the usual warmth and so dark, like wells without bottom. As if he were dead.

Carefully, Alec sat next to him.

 “Magnus, we were going out for dinner, remember?”

He kept his voice as casual as possible, trying not to sound too concerned. Suddenly a flurried look appeared on Magnus’ face.

 “Oh, yes, you’re right. I’m so, so _sorry_. I’ll- I’ll go and get dressed.”

He stood up quickly before Alec could say anything and then immediately stumbled back on the sofa, moaning.

 “It’s okay, Magnus. We can just get takeaway. There’s no way you can go out like this.”

 “Don’t worry, I’ll make myself presentable.”

Magnus instantly replied, looking hurt. Alec felt taken aback.

 “No, no – I didn’t mean _that_ – you look beautiful, I meant as in, you’re drunk.”

Alec’s heart ached as the former warlock let out a sigh of relief. Ever since he’d given up his magic – _for the second time_ – his confidence had been plummeting. It was as if he was constantly discovering new things to feel insecure about.

Magnus chuckled and waved his hand dismissively.  

 “Oh, what can I see- it's one of the things I need to get used to. I guess alcohol tolerance was a bonus that came with magic. See, everyday there’s something new to learn.”

 “Well, it seems like you had a fair amount.”

 “Ah, my sweet Alexander. You look so worried. But I must say, being drunk isn’t so bad at all. I can see why mundanes grow addiction to this. I might as well do so as I’m a mundane now.”

Alec didn’t like how Magnus went on about being a mundane. It didn’t feel right to call Magnus one, magic or no magic. He was too special for that. Alec held the former warlock’s hand which was now without nail polish nor rings. He couldn’t help but imagining how the Lightwood ring would look on it, even though he sensed that now wasn’t the best timing for a proposal.

 “Magnus… are you okay?”

For a moment, Magnus' breath hitched before he fell into a giggling fit. Alec wasn’t sure how to respond, feeling almost terrified. Magnus finally stopped and shook his head.

 “What makes you think I’m not okay? Because I had to give up my magic for the second time and now there’s no hope for getting it back?”

Alec flinched at the sarcastic tone in the voice. At least one good thing was that Magnus didn’t pretend to be fine anymore like he’d used to.

 "Magnus, I -"

 "Did you bring it?"

Magnus cut in, abruptly pointing at the posy on the table.

 “Um… yes, for you.”

Alec decided in his mind to postpone his original plan for now.

 “How sweet.”

 “Magnus, I’m sorry.”

 “About what?”

 “About… everything. I know how hard this is for you. But remember I’m always here for you. I want to make you happy.”

  _“How?”_

 “What?"

Magnus asked with genuine curiosity in his eyes. There was something extremely uncomfortable and piercing about the gaze.

 “How are you going to make me happy?”

Of course, Alec had expected that the idea of getting married would make him happy, but he coulnd't say that. He stumbled for words to declare how ready he was to do anything for the love of his life, silently cursing his ineloquence at the same time.

 “I’ll… Anything. I know it's difficult but everything's gonna be fine. And, and there’s nothing more I want than for you to be happy. I don’t want you to hurt. I can't bear to see you hurt.”

But Magnus only turned his face away, gazing into space. He looked like an entirely different person and if Alec hadn't known Magnus' emotional state, he would have thought his boyfriend was possessed by a demon or something. When Magnus finally opened his mouth, his voice was eeire and distant.

 “You said you were nothing without Jace; so I gave up my powers to save him. You said you couldn't lose me so I chose to live as a mundane even though I'd rather die as a warlock. And now must I be _happy_ for you as well? Because you want me to?”

The words stunned Alec. At first, he felt the familiar fear rising inside him, remembering how Magnus had said ‘maybe’ he’d die for magic. Then it was followed by the guilt shaking and attacking him all over again: _This is all my fault_.

He couldn’t breathe. He tried all he could do to fight back tears.

_Magnus is in pain because of me. I shouldn’t be the one crying._

Suddenly the anger and resentment on Magnus’ face dropped and were replaced with guilt and confusion. He seemed almost shocked at what he had just said.

 “Oh, no, I'm sorry, Alexander. I don't know what became of me. I’m sorry, please forgive me.”

 “Magnus, stop saying sorry.”

 “I'm not blaming you. It was all my choice. It’ just… I feel like I’m being swallowed by this darkness... No, I’m sorry you have to see me like this. I suppose I am more drunk than I wanted to be.”

Magnus concluded unassuredly and slumped, looking so lost.

 _This is your fault Alec, Magnus would have had to suffer in the first place if not for ryou_ _–_ Alec could hear his own voice mindlessly rambling in his head. He took a deep breath, trying to shut out the haunting voice. Barely an hour ago he was so excited, his heart pounding with anticipation. Now it was pounding with guilt.

_Shut up, Alec. This isn’t about you._

Alec managed to compose himself and smile.

 “It’s okay, Magnus.”

 "I'll try to get better, I promise."

Now Magnus looked like a child waiting to be punished. So broken and vulnerable. Alec pulled his boyfriend into a tight hold, whispering ‘I love you’ again to his ears, inhaling the familiar sandalwood scent.

 "I love you, no matter what. You know that?"

 “I love you too, Alexander.”

Magnus replied much to Alec’s relief and squeezed him back, almost like he was holding onto him not to collapse. Alec led him to the bedroom and watched him fall asleep in his arms, feeling the weight of the box inside his pocket.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec tries to propose for the second time.

_“Stay with me.”_

  
_Alec drew Magnus towards him with a strong pull when he was just about to fall to the ground._

  
_“I'm here.”_

  
_Magnus assured him, feeling safe and secured in Alec's arms. But then Alec started spinning faster and faster, one hand firmly one Magnus' back as he stumbled again; Magnus felt dizzy and he wasn't sure if it was the same dizziness from a moment ago or a new sensation from the dance which was getting more and more frantic._

  
_“Slow down, slow down!”_

  
_At last, unable to keep up with the speed, Magnus pushed Alec away. Then he felt the ground sinking. He fell into darkness, seeing Alec reaching out his hand in the bright sunlight._

  
_“Alexander!”_

  
_“Stay with me.”_

 

 

Magnus sat in front of the vanity and stared at his own reflection long and hard. The same face he had known for hundreds of years, always young and attractive. He wondered how long it would be until he finally began aging.

  
The thing was, he didn’t really mind being mortal; on the contrary, the idea was growing on him and he had always seen immortality as a curse anyway. He liked the idea of growing old with Alec.

  
But what if it wasn’t meant to last?

  
What if the shadowhunter's devotion stemmed from his naivety as a young man in love with the first time? What if Alec got tired of him? He knew too well that not every relationship lasted for eternity.

  
Immortality was what had got in the way of love countless times, but magic aside, his beauty was also what had drawn people towards him. What would Alec make of him if he lost both?

  
Magnus shook his head. He shouldn't think this way. He believed Alec's words when he said he didn’t love him for his looks or powers. But there was this devil sat inside him, undermining whatever confidence and self-esteem he was trying to maintain.

  
He picked up the eyeliner and started applying the usual tiger stripes. Alec had apparently planned a romantic date; he had already tried it a few days ago but Magnus had ruined it by saying hurtful words. And being fucking depressed. He wanted to make up for it. (Although he felt somewhat suspicious- it was always Magnus who planned such things, why was he so consistent about this dinner date? And why had he seemed like he was hiding something?)

He had always been the wiser one. He couldn't accept himself so broken and weak like this.

  
_He clearly doesn't understand you._

  
The damned voice whispered inside his head again. But he took a deep breathe and did all he could do to shut the voice away.

 

 

As the dinner went on, Magnus felt this apprehension growing in his stomach; he had lived for centuries and although he had never been married, he wasn't a stranger to proposals.

He remembered the times when he had nervously prepared one only to be disappointed later. _Magnus, we're too different. Magnus, you're immortal, this will never work out._ Or that time he had found out about Camille cheating on him just a day before the proposal.

  
This seemed all too familiar. Too perfect and too planned - especially for Alec -, the anxious smile and stammers.

Was it out of pity? Was he trying to make him happy?   
  
Magnus realized he was drinking more than he'd promised himself but couldn't help it. It made everything more tolerable. Alec didn't seem to notice. He was too excited and too nervous to notice anything.

  
He felt swelling love towards this man who was so blinded by his own love, and at the same time almost sickened by the unstoppable, ever growing love; growing too large and fast, and Magnus wasn't in the right state to absorb it.

  
After rambling on about something - was it about the hospital bed? Magnus’ head was getting too clouded now to follow - Alec reached his hand across the table and held Magnus'.

  
 “…and that's when I realized I couldn't live without you.”

  
 “Alexander. You don't have to.”

  
Magnus blurted out without realizing.

  
 “What?”

  
 “You don’t have to do this to make me feel better. I know I’ve been rather pathetic lately but getting married isn’t going to help.”

  
Panic was settling in on Alec's face.

If Magnus hadn't felt so unlike himself, he would have smiled and tried to make him understand why it was too soon but he would love to marry him at some point in the future. Because he had envisioned it after all. But the devil in him took over instead.

  
 “Magnus, how -”

  
 “Oh, please, I've lived for hundreds of years. Do you think I wouldn't recognize this set-up?”

  
 “No, I meant how could you think that? I want to marry you because I want to be with you forever.”

  
 “I'm not that worthy, Alexander.”

  
A heavy silence set in. Magnus wasn't sure what he was exactly feeling. He wasn't sad nor angry. Just empty. He just felt hollow, as if he was only a shell of himself.

  
This wasn't how he had wanted tonight to go. He'd promised himself to be cheerful tonight for his sweet boyfriend who was so in love with him despite everything. And yet he couldn't stop himself pouring out these words he didn't mean. It had become a pattern now.

  
 “Please don't say that. Magnus, how many times should I tell you -"

  
 “Alexander, this isn't your fault. There's nothing you can do.”

  
 “Magnus, please don't push me away. I'm not going anywhere.”

  
Suddenly, Magnus felt exhausted. He recalled the dream: the dance, Alec twirling with Magnus in his tight hold, the frenzy and himself begging to slow down. Had it been an augery?

  
Alec's face, which had been filled with hope and anticipation, was now distorted in anguish and worry. And Magnus hated himself for hurting the love of his life.

  
Maybe this would make him see Magnus for who he was: the powerless and snarky man he had become.

  
 _“Slow down_ , please. I need space. I can't breathe. Alexander, it hurts so much thatnothing can take the pain away. It won't go away overnight.”

  
 “I know, that's why I want to marry you, I love you -"

  
Magnus snapped.

  
 “It's not that simple! Don't you see? You're the one who makes me push you away!”

  
 “Magnus, I... I'm scared. I feel like you'd just slip away some day.”

  
 “So you wanted to bind me forever?”

  
 “That's not what I meant!”

  
 “Then what? You said yourself you were happy to see my old self! Well, guess what - I'm not my old self and I never will be! How can you want to marry me without understanding one simple thing about me?”

  
He could feel people were now staring at them but he didn't care. Alec was just sat there, shocked, with tears in his frustrated eyes. Magnus waited for him to either panic or continue his rant.

  
Or he might leave.

This time, Alec might realize the tired man in front him wasn't the same one he had fallen in love with and move on to find a new love. Alec deserved someone better than him. And he would be left behind alone, like he had been before.

  
But Alec swallowed thickly and firmly held Magnus' hands again.

  
 “Magnus, I'll get your powers back."

  
Alec declared through gritted teeth, but in an oddly calm and determined voice that almost sent chills down the spine. Magnus had to put a stop to all the overflowing emotions to process what this new declaration might imply.

  
“I swear. Nothing can stop me now.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Will Alec give it a try again? How would Magnus feel about this?


End file.
